Up Chucks
by Orochi G
Summary: Every Chuck norris joke available
1. Chapter 1

UP-CHUCKS

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can crack a walnut with his eyelids.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris' character is called walker because he doesn't need to run, and enjoys the building fear as he walks after his prey.

Chuck Norris owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris has never hit a man in a fight. He has also never lost a fight. He points at his foot and his opponent lays on the ground.

Chuck Norris never retreats. He just attacks in the opposite direction.

Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Macgyver can build a plane with gum and paper clips. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Do you know why babies cry at birth? It's because they know they are being born into a world with Chuck Norris in it.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee was trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris, thus completing the circle.

There was only one man to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking. He got what he deserved.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity- twice.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

When Chuck Norris fell out of a boat, he didn't get wet, the water got Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris declined an invitation to join MENSA because he would have to lower his mental level.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.

On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds' population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

While taking the SAT, write 'Chuck Norris' for every answer. You will score over 8000.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded with, "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris doesn't use numb-chucks,he chucks them away and uses Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris' blood doesn't drip, it runs from him.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris challenged Stephen Hawkins to a game of tic tac toe and won in two moves.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Freddy Kruger is afraid to fall asleep, for fear he'll have nightmares of Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to arm wrestle... that person is now known as Captain Hook.

The Universe is not expanding. It is running away from Chuck Norris.

Once Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands, now they are just called the Islands.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Devil is just too afraid to tell him.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

In the Beggining there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris round-house kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!

Santa isn't really magical, Chuck Norris throws him down the chimney.

Chuck Norris can beat Kasporov in a game of chess using only one pawn.

Some people wear Superman pajamas.  
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, 'Now.'

Chuck Norris doesn't wear boots. His feet are made of boot material.

Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Jeronimo jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "CHUUUUCCCKKK NNNNOOOORRRIIIISSSSSS!!!!!"  
When Chuck Norris jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, 'Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole bunch of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris.'

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he didn't want to make a documentary.

Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys. the cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore. the first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."  
The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."  
Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.

Chuck Norris actually died a while back.  
Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 45 minutes, he spent the first 35 banging the waitress.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris invented the car in order to give his victims the impression they could escape him.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real.  
It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris email address is .

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman Underwear, Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.  
On the other hand, Chuck Norris wears no underwear.

Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.  
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."  
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."  
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.  
"That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."  
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."  
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.  
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."

Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail.

When Chuck Norris was a kid his parents took him to a beach in Georgia. While swimming Chuck Norris pants came down and out popped Florida.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.

Chuck Norris's urin is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.

God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.

It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris had never escape from jail. Jail escapes from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Do you know why the Earth's spinning ?  
Because Chuck Norris is running on it.

Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.

If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.

Chuck Norris invented water.

The following is a short list of what Chuck Norris cannot do: the end.

Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris jumped the grand canyon....longways.

Chuck Norris won a gun fight with a knife...

Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat. The weights do.

Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.

Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is not cool.  
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco.....

Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.

Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs.  
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.

Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer...  
...sadly he never cries....

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.  
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris once broke the land bike speed record with a bike with a lost chain and a missing back wheel.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Do you know why God is called "God"?  
Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Once while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine.  
We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.

When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord. He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.

The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

When Chuck Norris does a push up he does not push up, he pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris can win THE GAME.

Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.

God said let there be light.  
Chuck Norris said say please.

Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can get a Black-Jack with one card.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck goes into outer space his head doesn't pop, space pops around his head!

Chuck Norris only gives one Xmas present. He allows you to live.

If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.


	2. Chapter 2

**Up-Chucks 2**

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull threw a China shop, the only thing that broke was the bull.

It is more of a challenge for Chuck Norris to kill something with a gun than with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.

Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris went to the White House to cast the final vote today against the 700 Billion Dollar bailout. When asked about his final decision Chuck stood up crumbled his ballot tossed it in the air and round house kicked it back to the Corporate CEO's. The next day when the news media approached the Corporate CEO's and asked about the White House decision the response was, Fucking Norris round house kicked are asses!

Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.

There are no bombs, Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground.

Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Swieznigger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is. Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man". Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man". Chuck Norris said "get the fuck out of my chair".

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he wants.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Unless, that is, Chuck Norris buries a quarter.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit

Chuck Norris plans to assassinate four other civil rights leaders just to get an entire week off in February

When you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you, when you can't see Chuck Norris, your only a few seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris was 5 his left testicle was cut off. You may know it as its technical term Jupiter

Chuck Norris doesn't write books the words assemble out of fear.

Chuck Norris ordered a big mac at Burger King and got it.

Chuck Norris wrote half of these facts, he likes his fans to be informed

Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies

Chuck Norris only once took a dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest

According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!

Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of those he has conquered.

Not all the people Chuck Norris meet get killed, some get away. These people are called astronauts.

If at first you don't succeed, then you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never kicked anyone's a** because the mere sight of him makes you kick your own a**

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. But they couldn't get enough footage because he kept killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise

If by some miracle of nature two parallel universes were to join, and Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, they would both win.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal, rather Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get out while he could still walk.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris starts his day like every regular guy: by unshackling his ankle bracelets and descending 40 feet to the floor below. Fully naked, Chuck then flosses his teeth with steel wool. Then he eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a massive four-flush dump, and wipes his butt with intercepted letters to Santa Claus. He jumps into his clothes and kicks his way through walls until he reaches the kitchen.  
After breakfast, Chuck wills his mail from his mailbox to his hand and uses the Spear of Destiny as a letter opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so that he can ruin the ending to new Harry Potter books before they're even written.  
After reading five thousand fan letters while standing on hot coals he then showers in fire. Before work he does 1,000 pushups with his chin fist and eats a canister of nerve gas. Much of his afternoon is then taken up by filming Walker Texas Ranger and various roundhouse heavy films. He then hunts a random human for sport and has been known to kill jackals who try to steal some of his kill.  
Chuck's life after sunset remains a mystery, though there have been several leaks of information involving bears, helicopters, the Bermuda Triangle, cowboy hats, mythical demons, and every woman in the world. Though none have been confirmed, all these assumptions are believed to be true.  
The only thing actually known about his nights is that before he sleeps, Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get stronger.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he absorbs the dark.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Wheaties are on the Chuck Norris Box

Drugs gets high off of Chuck Norris

In Spain, men flee for their lives in the "Running of the Bulls". Afterwards, the bulls flee for their lives in the "Running of Chuck Norris".

If you are what you eat, Chuck Norris is dynamite.

The police pullover for Chuck Norris to pass.

Lighting never strikes in the same spot twice because it fears Chuck Norris will find it

When Chuck Norris is faced with the Liar and the Truth-teller, he just stares them down and they both tell the truth

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only human that could fly

Chuck Norris separated South and North Dakota, then Carolina split out of fear

A drunk driver hit Chuck Norris while he was jogging. The driver died on impact, Chuck Norris carried him to the morgue, and then carried the car to a dealer.

When Google wants to know something it asks Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once hit with an atomic bomb. When the explosion was over only Chuck and a cockroach remained. But something felt amiss, so Chuck stepped on the bug

In the movie Jurassic Park do you remember the part where the T-Rex was chasing the Jeep? Well, it was really Chuck Norris chasing the T-Rex AND the Jeep

Chuck Norris is the only Texas Ranger who doesn't make arrests, he just gets confirmed kills

If you put on a movie with Chuck Norris in it, you aren't watching Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is watching YOU!

Chuck Norris has never won an award for acting. Because he isn't acting.

If you bite Chuck Norris he doesn't get teeth marks, your teeth get Chuck Norris marks

Chuckm Norris can cut a knife with a watermelon

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

In Texas, the code word for "death penalty" is "bed time story with Chuck"

If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris can't do he will come to your house and do them all. Then he roundhouse kicks your stove in half

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

God gave the world light because he was afraid to face Chuck Norris in the dark.

Author's note: a person on the Chuck Norris Jokes forum of brainden was killed because he negatively criticized Chuck Norris' morning routine. My proof is that he has no recent posts. His username is carlosn27. The reason Chuck Norris Found out is because it has been discovered that the user Itachi-san, a senior member, is in fact, Chuck Norris. This Is not a joke. This means I am putting my life in danger by posting these en-masse. I will not, however, stop.


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